I was busy this past weekend, so I decided to set the dvr player to record a movie that was coming on Saturday night. Return To Zero is a story that chronicles the loss of a baby and further explains the difficulties that the parents have in dealing with their grief.
I received numerous texts and emails over the weekend from friends who asked if I had watched the movie. They went on to explain that as they had watched it, their mind went to me. I found it strange in one way that so many people had contacted me and yet I felt so blessed that I would come to so may minds. I was eager to see what was so special about this movie to remind so many precious people about my losses.
I sat down this morning and pushed 'play' on the remote. I was comfortable, had my water beside me on the end table and had cleared my schedule. My phone was on mute and I was determined to view this movie within an allotted time ~ I was due in a meeting within two hours. What I didn't expect was the flood of emotions that accompanied the movie.
From the very first scripted word that was spoken, I felt as though someone had a front row seat to what I had experienced. Perhaps they were the 'fly on the wall' at the doctor's office. I was moved to tears and during certain scenes, my lungs deflated. I felt no air moving. I was breathless.
Of course, my husband and I did not become distanced, he did not drink nor did he have an affair. I did not shut down, nor did I become bitter. The difference? We had God.
I shared in the hurt, I cringed as she attended her best friend's baby shower and had to leave, I even wept at the sight of the postcard on the hospital door. How I hated that postcard. The postcard helps the hospital staff identify a grieving mother. Its a thoughtful policy that many hospitals implement, but as a grieving mother, if only makes you feel singled out or abnormal.
I found myself back in the grief that I had once forgotten. I was depressed and found myself grieving all over again. I had a nauseated and miserable feeling after the movie ended. I felt I had made a big, BIG, HUGE mistake by watching this film. Each word that the actors said resonated with me. I am sure that those who viewed the movie without having previously lost a baby probably, walked away with the opinion that it was an impressive film. For me, however, it was my life on the big screen. It took me a few hours and many talks with God to clear my mind and pull my emotional side back to the present day.
I was saddened when I thought about the overwhelming number of mothers and fathers who grieve without the comfort of God. Not by God's choice, but by the anger and bitterness that results from loss and grief. Sometimes, we feel punished or abandoned by God. The questions flood our minds and we begin to play the "but why" games.
Had I known then what I know now, my healing process would have been shorter and my faith would have been deeper. I'm sure the way I grieve now is in may ways much different than how I grieved with Nathan and Haylee. God is the reason.
Hollywood tried to validate the pain that numerous moms experience, but it only caused me to remember God. He never left me, he never let me grieve alone.
You don't have to return to zero, you can return to God!