I have researched the topic, but more importantly, I have lived the topic. The tears, the anger, the questions ~ I have experienced it all. I speak of grief.
I never had a hard time working through the emotions, its not like it came easy or anything, but I knew that was something that came natural. I needed answers and finally resolved to the fact that I would never have the knowledge I was searching for. At this point, I am not sure which one was more difficult. Looking constantly for the answers or accepting that I would never have them,
I was given reasons, but when it all boiled down to it, I did not have answers. I had lived my life believing that God was fair and just. When I was sick, I could call on him to heal me. When I needed a financial miracle, God could do it. Move a mountain? God did. So, if I had this deep rooted faith in God, why did I question him? Him?
I know that what I am about to say might seem out of the box, but that's how I think and I believe God laid this on my heart to speak. My relationship with God is not based on his great love for me, it is based on my great faith in him. When our world is shaken, so is our relationship. It is human nature to back away from God when our world is crashing down. We tend to even blame God because he could have controlled things. We wonder where he is and how he could possibly watch his children suffer such horrific grief. How cold a loving and caring God let his children live a life of pain? Why would any father want that to happen to his child?
Some might even place guilt upon ourselves feeling that we must have let God down and he is handing down a punishment. We must have disobeyed him and the scales of justice are weighing against us and we are paying for such horrendous crimes. A loving God with an iron fist. This isn't the case though.
I sat on my couch the other day and wept. My mother's birthday was approaching and for some strange reason, this year had been the most difficult of all years she had been absent. I could not understand how a woman that spent her life in service to God could be taken away from her family so soon and in such a suffering way. Mom had cancer. Wow. It took me over a year to even say that phrase. But the truth is, she did.
I was angry as I sat on the couch and cried. I was clutching a throw blanket and just weeping until tears would no longer stream down my face. As I glanced at the corner curio cabinet, I saw the memory box of Nathan, and across the room, a statue that represented Haylee. I was surrounded by grief and I. wanted. answers!
What I got will surprise you.
We all know the cycle of life. Rain must come to water the crops, sunshine must be present to allow light for plants to process nutrients and soil must surround their roots. All must be present for the circle of life to continue. A plant cannot live in soil without light, air, or water. It would wither and die. It must also not be placed in a dark room with roots exposed. Again, it would surely die. A plant needs all of the elements to flourish and survive. I know, it sounds like a 6th grade science fair project, but truth concerning grief is right before our eyes.
You see, we all need God as our soil. We need to be rooted in his word. Without soil for our roots, our character would die and we would be lost. Good sprinkles each of us with sun and rain. We could not live a life with just sunny happy days. Life isn't about rose colored glasses and every minute of existence happy filled days. If our lives never felt the raindrops, we would never know the true pleasure of the sun. I understood this more when I read Matthew 5:45.
"That ye may be the children of your Father which is in heaven: for he maketh his sun to rise on the evil and on the good, and sendeth rain on the just and on the unjust."
I realized that I was not punished because life happens. The rain falls on the just and on the unjust. God is not a mean man floating out in the Milky Way of the Universe staring down at Earth and spending every minute of your life somehow concocting a plan to make you miserable. God is a loving father that never leaves us no matter how hard we try to push him away ~ out of anger, guilt, or shame.
In fact when I look back on my grief, I truly only see one set of footprints. God carried me. I think we tend to want God to rush in relief for our pain, to send an angel to hold our hand, or even our loved ones back to us. This simply is a fairytale land that we choose to live in and believe in. See, we might only see the puzzle pieces in life, but God is holding the cover to the puzzle box. He knows the answers to all of our questions, but this does not mean he owes us his reasons. He doesn't.
Imagine how he aches when we cry and grieve. Imagine the depth of his love to see our pain and not touch us in a tangible way. He weeps from a distance, and with our answers. I find such contentment in the scripture that was read at our daughter's funeral. Isaiah 55:9.
"For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts."
God understands our pain, he understands our hurt. He understands our need for sun, rain, and soil. He created us, so why would the creator not understand the created? I now understand that although God is with me all the time, I must have faith that in the most difficult times, he has not left. He is the soil for my roots, the air that I breathe, the provider of my sunshine, and the one who sends the rain ~ and the rainbow.
I never had a hard time working through the emotions, its not like it came easy or anything, but I knew that was something that came natural. I needed answers and finally resolved to the fact that I would never have the knowledge I was searching for. At this point, I am not sure which one was more difficult. Looking constantly for the answers or accepting that I would never have them,
I was given reasons, but when it all boiled down to it, I did not have answers. I had lived my life believing that God was fair and just. When I was sick, I could call on him to heal me. When I needed a financial miracle, God could do it. Move a mountain? God did. So, if I had this deep rooted faith in God, why did I question him? Him?
I know that what I am about to say might seem out of the box, but that's how I think and I believe God laid this on my heart to speak. My relationship with God is not based on his great love for me, it is based on my great faith in him. When our world is shaken, so is our relationship. It is human nature to back away from God when our world is crashing down. We tend to even blame God because he could have controlled things. We wonder where he is and how he could possibly watch his children suffer such horrific grief. How cold a loving and caring God let his children live a life of pain? Why would any father want that to happen to his child?
Some might even place guilt upon ourselves feeling that we must have let God down and he is handing down a punishment. We must have disobeyed him and the scales of justice are weighing against us and we are paying for such horrendous crimes. A loving God with an iron fist. This isn't the case though.
I sat on my couch the other day and wept. My mother's birthday was approaching and for some strange reason, this year had been the most difficult of all years she had been absent. I could not understand how a woman that spent her life in service to God could be taken away from her family so soon and in such a suffering way. Mom had cancer. Wow. It took me over a year to even say that phrase. But the truth is, she did.
I was angry as I sat on the couch and cried. I was clutching a throw blanket and just weeping until tears would no longer stream down my face. As I glanced at the corner curio cabinet, I saw the memory box of Nathan, and across the room, a statue that represented Haylee. I was surrounded by grief and I. wanted. answers!
What I got will surprise you.
We all know the cycle of life. Rain must come to water the crops, sunshine must be present to allow light for plants to process nutrients and soil must surround their roots. All must be present for the circle of life to continue. A plant cannot live in soil without light, air, or water. It would wither and die. It must also not be placed in a dark room with roots exposed. Again, it would surely die. A plant needs all of the elements to flourish and survive. I know, it sounds like a 6th grade science fair project, but truth concerning grief is right before our eyes.
You see, we all need God as our soil. We need to be rooted in his word. Without soil for our roots, our character would die and we would be lost. Good sprinkles each of us with sun and rain. We could not live a life with just sunny happy days. Life isn't about rose colored glasses and every minute of existence happy filled days. If our lives never felt the raindrops, we would never know the true pleasure of the sun. I understood this more when I read Matthew 5:45.
"That ye may be the children of your Father which is in heaven: for he maketh his sun to rise on the evil and on the good, and sendeth rain on the just and on the unjust."
I realized that I was not punished because life happens. The rain falls on the just and on the unjust. God is not a mean man floating out in the Milky Way of the Universe staring down at Earth and spending every minute of your life somehow concocting a plan to make you miserable. God is a loving father that never leaves us no matter how hard we try to push him away ~ out of anger, guilt, or shame.
In fact when I look back on my grief, I truly only see one set of footprints. God carried me. I think we tend to want God to rush in relief for our pain, to send an angel to hold our hand, or even our loved ones back to us. This simply is a fairytale land that we choose to live in and believe in. See, we might only see the puzzle pieces in life, but God is holding the cover to the puzzle box. He knows the answers to all of our questions, but this does not mean he owes us his reasons. He doesn't.
Imagine how he aches when we cry and grieve. Imagine the depth of his love to see our pain and not touch us in a tangible way. He weeps from a distance, and with our answers. I find such contentment in the scripture that was read at our daughter's funeral. Isaiah 55:9.
"For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts."
God understands our pain, he understands our hurt. He understands our need for sun, rain, and soil. He created us, so why would the creator not understand the created? I now understand that although God is with me all the time, I must have faith that in the most difficult times, he has not left. He is the soil for my roots, the air that I breathe, the provider of my sunshine, and the one who sends the rain ~ and the rainbow.