Matthew 5:4
On March 20, 2004, my life, as I knew it, would be forever changed! At 7:11 am, in a dark delivery room, I gave birth to my first child, a daughter, whom I named Kaylea. This wasn't a normal birth. No family or friends waiting impatiently to see my newborn daughter. No cries were heard, just silence. My daughter was born still.
This is her story...
My name is Toni. When I was 19 years old, I discovered I was pregnant in October 2003. On January 14, 2004, I had my twenty week ultrasound. Everything was perfect! And IT'S A GIRL!! I was beside myself!! I thought, "I'm past 12 weeks, so nothing can go wrong now!" I was so very wrong!
Around 25 weeks, I noticed that I hadn't felt Kaylea move. And couldn't remember the last time I had. I decided to go to the hospital. Since I was passed 20 weeks (I was now 25 weeks), I was sent to the baptist hospital to Labor & Delivery. Upon examination, the nurse very rudely told me I was only measuring 20 weeks. And she had picked up a heartbeat but I would later learn it was my own heartbeat! I told her it was impossible that I was only 20 weeks because I had found out the sex 6 weeks earlier at my 20 week ultrasound. I was still refused an ultrasound and was told that my baby was laying in the transverse position and that's why I wasn't measuring right. I was sent home. For the next week, I guess my motherly instinct began kicking in. I spent the next week desperately pushing on my stomach, trying to make her move! I just knew I'd never hear my Kaylea cry, change her diaper, hear her beautiful laugh, no, these things would not come to be. A few days later, I began having horrible sharp pains in my chest. It felt like someone was standing on my chest. I stuck it out, best I could. On March 18, I had a regular checkup and my urine had +1 protein in it, which is a sign of pre-eclampsia. Something, by the way, I'd never heard of! The nurse sent me to the hospital, a different one, for a non-stress test. She said she heard a heartbeat but it was faint.
Upon arrival, I was hooked up to the machine and no heartbeat. A doppler was used next & everytime I heard a heartbeat, I'd have a huge sigh of relief. Only to be told, "no, that's your heart." It was as if my own body was playing a cruel joke on me! Next, ultrasound was brought in. I tried to see the screen "PLEASE, PLEASE just move, Kaylea, PLEASE"!! But, nothing. I was told, very bluntly, "She's dead. And from all indications, she's been dead for nearly two weeks."
How could this be?! Please tell me you're mistaken, PLEASE!! I was told I had pre-eclampsia & would have to be started on a drug called magnesium. And that within a matter of minutes I could end up in ICU with brain damage and kidney failure. Suddenly it wasn't just about Kaylea. It was a possibility that I would die too! To be honest, I secretly prayed for God to take me with her!
I was awaken by excruciating stomach pains. The nurse checked me and my baby was coming, feet first. She was breech. And with a few quick pushes, my darling was born, very silent, very still. And she was perfect! I knew at that moment that my life would be forever changed! I held my 1lb 2oz 11 1/2 inches long, baby and my heart broke into a million pieces! Soon, she was taken away and sent to the funeral home.
I was released the next day and laid my angel to rest on March 22, 2004. When I buried her, my heart went with her! I didn't handle Kayleas death very well. I was so angry and hurt! I went to her grave everyday for nearly a month & just laid on top of it and kicked, screamed and cried! I wanted her back so bad!
As it always does, time began to move me on. And in August 2004, I found out I was expecting again. My happy feelings were short lived as I miscarried in October 2004. I found myself, once again, leaving the hospital empty handed with nothing but my own sadness and heartache. Grief had once again showed it's ugly face!
Both of my losses impacted my life with the fierce force of a hurricane. You see, what people don't understand is when you lose a baby, no matter of gestational age or age after birth, all of your hopes and dreams you had for that baby goes with it. Our grief comes mainly from what could or would have been! All of the milestones a parent gets to experience, we don't get to. A womans womb is meant to house life, give life, mine felt like a shallow grave. My faith lingered as I had so many unanswered questions. I sought solace that never came. Why would God take my baby from me? Am I being punished for something? WHY ME?! I was always taught not to question God. But it's hard not to do when you can't understand why something has happened to you.
I went on to have two more children a son and a daughter. After their births, I realized, God didn't take my babies because of anything that I done! My God loves me and he loves my children! He seen my heartache and he took my losses seriously! I've come to the conclusion that God isn't very far away and I can feel his hand on me everyday of my life. I see His love staring back at me through my Childrens eyes!
In October 2012, I decided I wanted to help others missing what I'm missing: An angel baby in Heaven! In my daughters honor, I made a Facebook page entitled "Stillbirth And Pregnancy Loss Awareness". Some women out in the world suffer in silence because family and friends refuse to validate the lives of their angels. It's a place where our angels will be celebrated every single day! The page catapulted into something much bigger than I ever thought it would be! Through my beautiful daughter and in her honor, I help thousands of mothers heal and keep the memory of their angels alive. I am the voice for our angels. Earlier this year, I Co-founded a charity called Kaylea And Jamie's Little Pieces Of Heaven. We send bears out to other bereaved parents in memory of their angels (free of charge). The bears come with a puzzle piece attached around their necks. These pieces represent unity between all of us angel parents and connects our angels together as well.
Since the loss of my angels, I've come to view the world through new eyes. My losses were tragic but will forever be a part of my very being. They are what has molded me into the woman I am today. I know that your children can be taken away quickly, sometimes as quickly as they were given. And because of that, I hug my children a little tighter and kiss them a little more everyday!
In closing I'd like to say that even though I've moved forward, not a day goes by that I don't think about my babies gone too soon! I am now a part of an elite group of woman united through the loss of our babies! And through my angels I will continue my mission to break the silence that surrounds baby loss. I will continue to bring comfort and support to other bereaved mothers! And I'll be the living proof that something good can come out of losing a baby!
Toni,
www.facebook.com/SupportForMothersOfAngels
www.facebook.com/KJLittlePiecesOfHeaven